Episode 9: Herpantes on Her Head

 A perfect day for a walk in the Surburbura city park. The birds! The racoons! The…oddly dressed tourists?

“Dear?”

“Yes, my sugar plum?”

“Are those people wearing underwear on their heads?”

“Oh dear, not again.”

That’s right! Again we go, for who has appeared in the city of Surburbura but that vixish fighter: Herpantes.

“For glory and honor!”

“Well, there’s only one thing to do.”

“When in Rome?”

“Destroy the Greek army, yes. To the changing rooms!”

Our heroes zip away, while our villain spreads her serpentine sexiness.

“Yes, yes, quickly we must go. Almost too late, the hours grow. On people, on babies, on woman, and cows. On horses, on goats, on the rats, now now now!” Sword in one hand and hoplon in another, how will our heroes ever stop her?

“Quite easily. Dear, did you follow my instructions?”

“Always, my kinky-boo. Now, who are we facing?”

“Herpantes.”

“Yes, they’re very nice, but what’s her name?”

“Her name isn’t what, it’s Herpantes. She’s ancient Greek.”

“Are we even old enough to make that joke?”

“I’d worry more about our readers.”

With ecstatic excitement, Captain and Major Romance Cover cavort off.

“Actually, it’s a tarantella.”

My apologies. No doubt Herpantes is well prepared.

“Not nearly as much as I’d like. Go, my army, warmup on these two while I control their minds!”

Serious snakery! Serpentes spring to standing while singing scintillating sonatas!

“Actually, it’s a dimotika.”

You can’t win them all, unless you are Captain and Major Romance Cover.

“Oh dearest!”

“Oh honey bunch!”

The two grip each other, fingers so loose that clothes almost melt away. Yet underwear is made of finer stuff, and disintegrates under this flagrant tension of a sexual nature.

“No! My army! What have you done?”

“We have saved the day!”

“The night is what worries me. Curse you all, and may we all be enough.”

“No one else is.”

“I was thinking the same thing.”

And so the day is saved, thanks to Captain and Major Romance Cover.

“That’s what you think, strange mysterious voice.”

Episode 8: Sing-Song-Melee

 Out in the deserts of Egypt, danger stirs. Then adds three tea spoons of vanilla extract, a pinch of Nile Crocodile, and all wrapped in a mysterious casing.

“What can I say? I’m consistent.” Hisrod pours the concoction down the base of the pyramid. Electricity jumps along its edges, ancient glyphs coming to life, and after a millennia, the higher technology prowess of ancient Egypt is revived from the dead.

Meanwhile, in more interesting news, Dr. Hill and Dr. Belinda are both back from their trips.

“Dearest, how was the Mediterranean?”

“Not now, my sweet, let me drink you in.” 

Taking off their rings of power, the two transform into Captain and Major Romance Cover. Arms and legs entwined—

Much later, and completely repowered, the two converse on the horrible truth.

“You enjoyed yourself far, far too much!”

“Of course I did, but not that.”

“Oh? Something else crossed that scandalous little mind of yours?”

“Yes. I found something…hard.”

“And not just in your pants?”

“No.”

“In somebody else’s?”

“Yes, but not in that way.”

“Dearest honey bunch, I just don’t quite understand.”

And so, Captain Romance Cover fills in his mistress with all the sordid details. When, suddenly—

BLAR! BLAR! BLAR! BLAR!

The alarm goes off. There’s trouble down at the park.

“To the hump-mobile!”

“Ladies first.”

“You do know how to have a fun time.”

And our heroes jet away, down to the main Surburbura city park. Home to such wonderful attractions like the zoo, the playground, and the…what in the world is around the fountain?! Four voices singing as one!

🎵Oh cherry-pop, cherry-pop, cherry-cherry-cherry—Cherry-pop! Ba-dum-dum-dum🎵

It’s the world’s only evil combined boy-band-barbershop-quartet: The Cherry Pops! Their siren songs floats out over the city, drawing in all manner of teenage and delinquent fans.

“Barbershop is totally alpha!” They scream, throwing all manner of personal items at the double-duo. What can possibly stop this onslaught of anti-virginity waves?

“By my fire thighs!” 

Captain and Major Romance Cover has arrived. 

🎵We know you’re not beautiful!🎵 

♭’Cause you’re so handsome!♭

The fires of Captain’s passion seem to be no match for the conflagration of vocal lust!

🎵Good bye—Good bye—Goodbye! Goodbye!🎵 Their vocal harmony rips through the air, throwing Captain Romance Cover’s long hair turbulating in the breeze. Whatever can our heroes do?

“You hoo!” He dress suddenly slitted, Major Romance Cover stretches one elongated leg. Her arms raise, emitting sonic frequencies from the hollows underneath.

Instantly, The Cherry Bursters fall into the ecstatic and constant explorations of youth. But how did our heroine manage such a feat?

“My cherry popped so long ago that the pits have grown trees of adulation.”

And so, proving not all women are into music, Major Romance Cover saves the day.

“And all because of my Cappy-wappy.”

“While those musicians go fappy-happy.”

Episode 7: To Fight a God

 The Mediterranean. Once the world sea, now the world seat of pleasure cruises. And on one we find that dashing Dr. Hill.

“But of course I will examine you.”

Who is reminding us all why he’s better under the eyes of Dr. Belinda. But, what’s this rising out of the sea?

“I am free!”

Oh the horrors! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the…sausage?

“Hot dogs. Come get your hot dogs. They only cost YOUR SOUL!”

What strange deity is this?

“I don’t know. My degree is honorary.”

Then while Captain Romance Cover fights this new menace, let us zip away to the mansion of Dr. Dull. Dr. Dull, are you home?

“Who are you, disembodied voice?”

Oh good, Dr. Dull is home. No one knows if he’s a horrible villain or a really awkward hero, but his mind is full of useless information that we desperately need.

“I have feelings, you know. I keep them locked up in my vanity.”

Fascinating. Now, let me show you a still image of the titanic fight going on over the horizon. My gods, will you look at that form! That function!

“By my fire thighs!”

That lovely barbecue. Truly, it’s beyond the ability of words to describe! Thank goodness we don’t have to paint a word picture, but can just marvel at its majesty.

“Very true indeed. Now, what do you need?”

Oh, we’re just wondering who this new deity is.

“That’s the Sumero-Cannanite god Hisrod, inventor of the American hotdog—”

I always knew they were suspicious. Thank you doctor. Now let’s get back to the action before…well, will you look at that. Captain Romance Cover has ruled supreme again.

“While I like a good burrito from time to time, I have not.”

What? You were vanquished?

“Indeed. Something else has drawn the attention of my foe. Now, before it’s too late, I must be off to reunite with my better half. Until next time, my dear!”

And stepping off the side of the ship, the Earth spins to catch up so that our hero may disappear into the sunset.

And so, another day is almost saved. But will we learn more about this Hisrod? How did he almost defeat our hero? What vileness could have drawn Hisrod away? Tune in next week to find out.

Episode 6: The Statuesque Woman

 Tink tink tink

The Museum of Classical Global Antiquities, the most extensive collection of history in the world. You’d think it would be full at this time of night, but no one goes to Tahiti to visit museums.

Tink tink tink

It sits alone—even the night security has gone to get some shuteye, the priceless artifacts unguarded.

And unwatched.

Tink tink tink thunk!

What’s this? A priceless statue has been destroyed! And it was hollow?! Let’s fast forward to when things get more interesting.

Whoooom! Rustle rustle rustle. That’s the sound of sunlight.

The Museum of Classical Global Antiquities—during the day! It’s a whole lot brighter in here, and the crowds have certainly surged now that it’s the talk of the town. A whole Greek statue destroyed.

“And she was female…and heroic.”

Who should we find here, but the good Dr. Belinda on her holiday away from Dr. Hill. Somehow she’s paled instead of tanned, but otherwise in perfect beach shape.

“And you should see my sand impressions. But what happened here?”

What happened indeed? The museum director walks out, his brow covered in sweat and…women’s underwear?!

“Yes, I am here today to announce that absolutely nothing has gone wrong. Everything is fine. Hail Zeus.”

“Hail Zeus? This goes to far. Something here has gone fishy, and it’s not just my mahi-mahi taco.”

With practiced ease, Dr. Hill is transformed into Major Romance Cover. Using her absurdly limber nature, she cavorts over to the director.

“I’m sure there’s a history pun somewhere, but for now let’s get you out of those panties.”

With easy practice, she slips the elastic over his ears. What’s this? His eyes clear? He was hypnotized by lacy underthings!

“Oh, thank you for saving me. I was attacked—”

“By me!” Leaping out of the shadows is a woman clad in bronze. Her hair swinging like Achilles and carrying an elastic slingshot, it’s none other than that ancient Greek hero Herpantes.

“Her panties? Is that really the best the writers could come up with?”

That’s why we made it Greek. To sound heroic!

“A villain with a heroic name? It’s like you’re all planning has gone out the window at this point.”

“Foolish woman! None are greater tacticians than me, Herpantes! And now you all shall perfectly behundies, as I mind control you through your undies!” She laughs, greek geometrics branching out of her feet and up the pants of the onlookers. But they’re not actually lines. They’re snakes painted on the ground. Medusa, eat your heart out.

“Too late. I ate hers first!”

Oh, the horror! Will she take control of our Major Romance Cover?

“Absolutely not.” She reaches out and backhands her foe. Herpantes wheels back, staggering to a table.

“How were you able to withstand my control? What force of will exists in your nethers?” 

“I was in the army, my dear. I’m well used to going commando.”

“May Hades take you! I shall have to draw my army somewhere else”

And the day is saved, Herpantes slinging off into the sunset, and Major Romance Cover can at last enjoy her vacation.

“And not another museum in sight.”