Episode 6: The Statuesque Woman

 Tink tink tink

The Museum of Classical Global Antiquities, the most extensive collection of history in the world. You’d think it would be full at this time of night, but no one goes to Tahiti to visit museums.

Tink tink tink

It sits alone—even the night security has gone to get some shuteye, the priceless artifacts unguarded.

And unwatched.

Tink tink tink thunk!

What’s this? A priceless statue has been destroyed! And it was hollow?! Let’s fast forward to when things get more interesting.

Whoooom! Rustle rustle rustle. That’s the sound of sunlight.

The Museum of Classical Global Antiquities—during the day! It’s a whole lot brighter in here, and the crowds have certainly surged now that it’s the talk of the town. A whole Greek statue destroyed.

“And she was female…and heroic.”

Who should we find here, but the good Dr. Belinda on her holiday away from Dr. Hill. Somehow she’s paled instead of tanned, but otherwise in perfect beach shape.

“And you should see my sand impressions. But what happened here?”

What happened indeed? The museum director walks out, his brow covered in sweat and…women’s underwear?!

“Yes, I am here today to announce that absolutely nothing has gone wrong. Everything is fine. Hail Zeus.”

“Hail Zeus? This goes to far. Something here has gone fishy, and it’s not just my mahi-mahi taco.”

With practiced ease, Dr. Hill is transformed into Major Romance Cover. Using her absurdly limber nature, she cavorts over to the director.

“I’m sure there’s a history pun somewhere, but for now let’s get you out of those panties.”

With easy practice, she slips the elastic over his ears. What’s this? His eyes clear? He was hypnotized by lacy underthings!

“Oh, thank you for saving me. I was attacked—”

“By me!” Leaping out of the shadows is a woman clad in bronze. Her hair swinging like Achilles and carrying an elastic slingshot, it’s none other than that ancient Greek hero Herpantes.

“Her panties? Is that really the best the writers could come up with?”

That’s why we made it Greek. To sound heroic!

“A villain with a heroic name? It’s like you’re all planning has gone out the window at this point.”

“Foolish woman! None are greater tacticians than me, Herpantes! And now you all shall perfectly behundies, as I mind control you through your undies!” She laughs, greek geometrics branching out of her feet and up the pants of the onlookers. But they’re not actually lines. They’re snakes painted on the ground. Medusa, eat your heart out.

“Too late. I ate hers first!”

Oh, the horror! Will she take control of our Major Romance Cover?

“Absolutely not.” She reaches out and backhands her foe. Herpantes wheels back, staggering to a table.

“How were you able to withstand my control? What force of will exists in your nethers?” 

“I was in the army, my dear. I’m well used to going commando.”

“May Hades take you! I shall have to draw my army somewhere else”

And the day is saved, Herpantes slinging off into the sunset, and Major Romance Cover can at last enjoy her vacation.

“And not another museum in sight.”